Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
