Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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