Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
