You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
