New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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