is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
