i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
