I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
