You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
