Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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