Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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