So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
