my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
