Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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