so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize