My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
