My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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