we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
