I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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