I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
