Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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