Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
