I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
This is my gift to your gina
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
