I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
