I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
