I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
