I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
