Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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