I will die if light touches me.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
