Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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