Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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