i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
