you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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