Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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