I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
