I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize