My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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