The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
