I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
