You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
