she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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