I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
