Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
