Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
