Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
