i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
