My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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