If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize