If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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