well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
