Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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