I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
