How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
