My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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