god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
i now understand why vodka
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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