His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
