I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
