two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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