I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
