I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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