My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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