when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
