Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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